Parody of the Caribbean: The Epic Lolz
by its us lolz
Summary: The epic tale of epic lolz! Love it or hate it, but we have rakes! *hisses* OMGWTF REVIEW OUR STORY! We need motivation to continue! Otherwise you will be devoured by a Black Hole! Muahahahahaa
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING!**

If you severely love your POTC characters and would kill any soul who dared to deface their perfect identity, then we suggest strongly that you LEAVE NOW!!

This story is for the lolz and the lolz only.

We hope you enjoy :)

We slaved over a hot oven... err... the computer... to post this!

Grace + Shelby

**_Disclaimer- _**We do not own any characters, set designs, costumes- ANYTHING, from Pirates of the Caribbean.

We do however, own ourselves.

Muahaha! Owned.

**Read and please review!**

**DONKEYS WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP  
**

**Prologue...**

In the vast reaches of the dark ocean, a small girl, Elizabeth, is on a ship in a misty sea.

Of course, it does not really make sense that a ship has to be in a dark and dangerous sector of the ocean, with evil impending at any given moment. Let's just say she was fishing.

(Anything to get the plot moving!)

Elizabeth is screeching in what appears to be the tongue of demons.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!" she voices dramatically.

After a while, one of the soldiers, who shall henceforth be known as Gibbs, skips up behind Elizabeth, with intentions of raping the young girl.

The freaky paedophile is about to fulfil said desire, when his penis explodes from pressure overload as the air around them condenses at Elizabeth's attempt to hit a high note.

Elizabeth turns around and smiles dopily at the soldier who is now rolling around the deck, wailing in agony.

"Mister Gibbs, can you tell me about Pimp Masters? It gets me EVER so excited!" She asked, somehow maintaining an innocent tone.

The soldier looks into the bright and happy eyes of Elizabeth and opens his mouth to begin his life story (full of relationship problems at the young age of 32!), when Elizabeth adds, "Duuuurh."

Gibbs, hugely insulted and this meaningless sound, bursts a blood vessel in his eye and hobbles away, screaming and crying blood tears.

Elizabeth smiles happily.

On the other side of the ship, a man is perspiring fiercely, despite the cold as he watches our young heroine lustfully.

Norrington, a strapping chap back in the day, sees the young Elizabeth by herself and realises that now is the chance to win her over with his English manliness.

Making some last minute adjustments, he pops his collar, straightens his neon green contact lenses and sprays cologne into his mouth.

Norrington struts over to the young Elizabeth, attempting to look seductive and manly.

"Hey little girl... I'm about forty now... you're about eight... tell me, what do you think about 'big age gaps'?"

Norrington smiles queasily, baring his yellowed teeth and Elizabeth suppresses the urge to vomit in his face.

Ignoring Norrington, Elizabeth commences her banshee wail again and Norrington pastes a fake smile on his face and pretends it is the most beautiful sound in the world.

His eardrums eventually explode and rivulets of blood slide down his sweaty neck.

Elizabeth then realises that she needs to expel some human faeces and decides to take a dump off of the rail. Being a lady of leisure, she was not used to suppressing any need.

She pulls down her panties and her face hardens with concentration.

Curiously enough, instead of hearing a plopping noise as 'it' hits the water, she hears a soft splat, followed by a revolted gagging noise.

She looks down and goes red.

A small boy, floating on a piece of wreckage, looks back with wide and horrified eyes, as the shit trickles all over his face.

The young lad's eyes roll back into his head and he passes out from sheer disgust.

Elizabeth screams and the soldiers haul in the small boy, who is unconscious and smelly.

Elizabeth is still screaming.

Five hours later, she is still screaming.

Two weeks later, the screaming has not yet stopped until she remembers that she is supposed to be taking care of the young boy, who is probably dead by this time.

But fate would have it (or Hollywood would anyway), that the young boys eyes flutter open, but not before Elizabeth steals his necklace because she's a whore.

The two look at each other and somehow, they know that some day, they will have epic adventures full of epic lolz.

"What's your name?" demands Elizabeth.

"Boobs- I mean, Will," answers the lad, trying to back away from the monster that shitted in his face but at the same time irrevocably drawn to the two lumps on the girl's chest.

They look out to sea once more and see a dramatic and black looking ship sailing away into the mist.

They stare at each other wistfully, until a monkey falls off the mast and onto the small girls head, ripping her hair out whilst shrieking.

(yes yes, bad prologue or not, JUST READ! whips innocent reader)

**And so begin the Lolz...**

Two young girls sit on a rotting wharf, staring out to sea. The first girl, Grace, was reclining lazily on the structure, running a hand through her hair. The second girl, Shelby, was sitting erect, trying to replicate the posture that the nobles supposedly possessed. She was failing, but those around her found her efforts truly amusing.

In truth, Shelby didn't really like Grace, but in Shelby's eyes, Grace's supreme stupidness was her redeeming quality, for you see, dumb people are good for the lolz.

After an hour or so of watching the great stretch of water, Shelby was getting bored. So to relieve said boredom, she decided to try her favourite recreational activity, aptly named, 'Try to Kill Grace'. It was actually a very fun game, despite its decidedly morbid name. However, Grace, the stupid bitch, was somewhat wily and always escaped. Shelby heaved a great sigh and closed her eyes, for surely Grace would escape yet again. Suddenly Grace sat up straight and started grunting and pointing towards the water like the monkey that she was. Coming towards them was the most fantastic, if ludicrous looking man, Shelby had ever seen. Standing on the ship's mast holding a gold pimp staff in the shape of a fist, was the infamous Jack Sparrow.

As his sinking ship slowly made its way towards the wharf, he stood majestically, thoroughly impressing both Grace and Shelby. He straightened his bright purple pimp hat and cape and when he reached the dock he daintily stepped onto the dilapidated wreck. He surveyed the area carefully, raising one finely plucked eyebrow when he saw Grace and Shelby. Smiling in delight he sauntered over to the unlikely pair and when he reached them he smiled, revealing his grill. Unfortunately, he was held up by the dock official who declared that it was a shilling to tie a boat up at the dock. Jack, with reflexes like a cat, reached out and pimp smacked him, hard, across the face and then continued over to the girls.

Shelby stood up and began to talk- until Jack seized her and slapped her with his 'pimp' hand all the while screeching, "PIMP SMACK YO ASS!" After all, he did enjoy pimp smacking people and the action was good for his developing right hand muscles. After this he released her and with imperious wave of his bejewelled hand, bid them to follow. As Grace scurried after him she tripped over a conveniently placed piece of wood and fell on her face. Shelby, who had just recovered from her pimp slap, cackled in delight and laughed so hard that a trickle of piss ran down her grotesquely hairy leg. She hurriedly wiped it away with her petticoat and ran after Jack.

**The Governor's mansion…**

Elizabeth awoke and her cupboard was vibrating. Sighing angrily, she ripped it open and pulled out the suspicious looking necklace. She glared at the necklace and the necklace was so frightened that it sent out a sonic wave, destroying five houses and causing a tsunami far out at sea. Shrugging, Elizabeth shoved it back in her desk and began dressing for the day ahead.

**Downstairs...**

Will Turner stood idly, waiting for the Governor to see him. He stood there, whistling the tune to 'Mm bop' by Hanson and began investigating a sconce. He pulled at the candle and it fell out. Shit scared, he looked for somewhere to stash his unfortunate treasure. Seeing nowhere to place it, he threw it over his shoulder, ignoring the dull thunk and the pained groan of the butler. Soon, the Governor waltzed down the stairs and greeted Will.

"Hello!" He called in a highly feminine voice, stretching out the vowels.

"Good day, Sir. I have your order," said Will. The Governor pulled out the sword and squinted at it. It was good work to be sure but he wondered how the klutz in front of him had managed to make it. Will held out his hand.

"May I?" He inquired of the good Governor Swann.

The Governor nodded; little did he know he would regret it for the rest of his life. Will took the sword and tried to spin it around impressively. Predictably, he dropped it, but not before he managed to slash at the Governor's arms. The Governor, seemingly unaware of his major injuries laughed, delighted and if he could move his arms, I'm sure he would have clapped.

After this, Elizabeth leapt down the stairs, leaving a large divot in the ornate tiles, attired in a bright yellow jumpsuit.

''Hi Will!'' Elizabeth cried. Will mumbled a reply; he was too busy staring at her boobs to notice much more.

"Boobs!" He cried and Elizabeth, happy on the inside but outwardly mortified, struck him across the face.

''William Turner!'' Elizabeth gasped and slapped him across the face, hard and squealed in pleasure and continued doing so until Will was so revolted that he vomited his own innards into her face.

"BOOBS!" squeaked Will and with that, he ran out the door girlishly with a lacy handkerchief in his hand, crying inconsolably at his unfortunate molestation.

Meanwhile...

Grace was making out with the deck which her face had conveniently fallen onto, until she was rudely interrupted by the awkward stares from both Shelby and Jack. Sighing, she started licking the blood off her face for a 'tasty and nutritious meal', which was yet again interrupted by Shelby's vomit exploding into Grace's face.

Shrugging, Grace began to lick the vomit off her face and rather ruthlessly, had her head dunked into a bucket of water.

After the bitch-face wench Shelby had wiped the vomit from her mouth, she began hooting like an aardvark as Jack Sparrow began pimp slapping her arse mercilessly, but then the unlikely duo heard a sloppy licking sound and looked over to Grace, who had found a new way of disturbing even nature itself by licking her own genitals.

There was the sound of gagging and to this day, the smell of vomit still lingers around the remains of the wharf, now named "Sir Chuck-a-lot".

**Continuing on to the Commodore's Ceremony...**

The Commodore stared out to sea from the high wall, the sunset lighting up his face which seemed deep in thought, perhaps reminiscing of earlier days when he did not have to wear such a ludicrous wig.

"Oh, Elizabeth! I didn't expect to see you here," cried the Commodore in a high pitched whine, failing his earlier goal of remaining casual.

"But Norrington, you asked me to come he-"

"Never mind that, now! Ha-ha! Hah! Well, now that you're here, do you suppose you'd like to… MARRY ME PLEASE ELIZABETH, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU AND YOUR AMAZINGLY DEVELOPED CHEST!"

The Commodore then lunged for her legs in an attempt to latch on to her but thinking quickly, Elizabeth remembered she was wearing a corset. Muttering something about 'not being able to breathe', she willingly jumped off the wall to escape the clingy Commodore.

Conveniently, Jack was on a boat at the time, stroking the stern and getting excited, when two soldiers approached him, demanding that Jack left the boat and stop raping the wheel.

Fortunately, the soldiers weren't too bright...

FLASHBACK!

"Mullroy, Murtogg, you're actually adopted! Mullroy, you actually conceived yourself with me. YOU REVOLT ME!"

"But mummy, please-"

_Thunk! Crash! Bang!_

"Nooo! NOT THE DILDO!"

_Dildo!_

_Dildo!_

_Dildo..._

END FLASHBACK

The two soldiers broke down in tears at the synced recollection and it was at that moment that Jack saw the dramatically plummeting figure of Elizabeth splash into the water at high speed, resulting in an impaled anus.

Jack dove into the water to rescue the stranger...

**A/N: El oh elz! The wench should have died in that fall, but we need her to make a story. So she broke her arse instead.**

**WILL IT MIRACULOUSLY RECOVER?? All signs point to… YES!**

**Reviews are love. So is this cake. OM NOMNOM**

**P.P.P.S**: **KEEP READING! And please review. BUT NOT UNTIL YOU'VE READ ALL THATS ON OFFER!! RWWWWAAAARRR!! Adding this story to your alert list will benefit you with thousands of virgins!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Disclaimer: _**We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but we do have this Magic 8 ball. Yay for us!

**REVIEW! RWAAARRR**

**PEACOCKS WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP  
**

**Cliff-hanger ends here**

… But Jack promptly exploded when he hit the water. No one mourned death much, but that's because they know it's a fanfiction and he'll be alive again in approximately 35 words.

The bloody mess filled the ocean and just as the sharks began to gather, spelling certain doom for Jack's chances of reincarnation, he began to well-- pull himself back together, for want of better term. When Jack was whole again, the sharks sighed and swam away to cut themselves because they were non conformist like that.

Now reassembled, it still took a while for Jack to reach our bitchy heroine, for he could only swim in a retarded doggy paddle and the fact that he had left his only jet ski back on Tortuga did not help. When our favourite Pimp Master finally reached her, he grabbed Elizabeth and being the perverted man he was, ripped off her jumpsuit to see her 'wares'. He was utterly amazed that with the jumpsuit gone he could keep afloat and he slowly swam to the dock.

Everyone that saw the manoeuvre was incredibly impressed and he was hailed a god in several small ant farms. When he deposited Liz on the dock, he quickly ripped of her corset, hoping for a better view of her fabled boobs. Much to his surprise again, Liz spluttered and breathed. Grace, who had been trying to rape a wall, had returned to Shelby's side, although Shelby was far too busy staring at Jack to notice that Grace had returned.

...

ALL OF A SUDDEN, the perverted group were surrounded by soldiers, who seemingly had appeared out of nowhere. Which was the 'in' method of appearing these days.

Grace, taking advantage of the conundrum, shoved Shelby in the ovaries. Shelby, gasping in pain about her damaged baby hole, stumbled and landed with a tremendous 'SPLASH' in the water.

The size of the splash was caused due to Shelby's LARGELY OVER DEVELOPED CHEST!

"Elizabeth! Are you alright?" Her paunchy father asked in a highly feminine, breathy voice as he leaned in for a better view of her chest.

In her semi-drowned delirium, Elizabeth wondered what had happened to his balls.

"Oh… I think... I think I'll be ok..." Elizabeth replied shakily, the martyring bitch enjoying the attention as much as Shelby enjoys taking it up the arse.

The crowd breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief. Somewhere in the background, a whole chorus of groans could be held, as well as several suicides by cat inhalation.

"No thanks to some people." Elizabeth added, staring pointedly at the Commodore, who looked like he had just had his heart ripped out and curb stomped to the ground.

After recovering from his minor stroke, there was an extremely awkward silence, in which the Commodore adjusted his ludicrous wig.

Jack Sparrow decided that now was the time for the attention to turn itself in his glorious direction so he coughed daintily.

Everybody looked up and gasped at the amazing sight, for the sun had conveniently started to set behind Jack, lighting up his eyes, a non-existent wind billowed his pimp cape out like a fountain of glory, a string orchestra playing a romantic suite in the background...

"And who might you be?" Asked the Commodore scornfully, who was rather pissed off at being shown up every five minutes.

To escape the Commodore's wrath, the string orchestra fell into the water screaming, the non-existent wind whisked away with an obscene farting noise and the sun temporarily exploded.

"Jack Sparrow. PIMPMASTER… Jack Sparrow." He announced snobbishly.

The hypnotising effect now gone from the crowd, several angry faces looked his way.

"PIMPMASTER! But... but... did you not read the sign out the front of the kingdom?' The Commodore spluttered furiously, the ever present vein bulging in his head, threatening to explode.

Jack had, of course, noted the sign out the front. It was rather impossible to miss with its huge capital letters that read, 'BEWARE PIMPMASTERS!' Also the skeletons of three deceased Pimp-Masters that hanged from their necks made it hard to ignore. If one looked hard and close at night, you could see the skeletons playing cards and drinking alcohol and chatting in Japanese. People who had seen this sight either declared themselves drunk or severely insane.

But, of course, Jack had ignored the warning.

'Kill him!' Shrieked a high pitched voice from the crowd.

The soldiers began to advance intimidating, but ALL OF A SUDDEN!

Jack grabbed Elizabeth and with expert precision, held his diamond studded gun to her downstairs department.

''Nobody move, or the bitch gets it in the arse!'' Jack yelled emphatically.

Elizabeth shrieked, screamed, hit, slapped, cried and ate ice cream out of a bucket but there was nothing she could do about her unfortunate state.

At this moment, Shelby had finally flopped back onto the wharf but upon seeing the drastic situation and the angry glares directed her way, she sulkily allowed Grace to push her back into the water.

...

Then followed an incredibly awesome scene in which Jack got back his personal effects. Don't worry; we won't bore you with the details- it was one of those 'you had to be there' moments.

Now equipped with his paraphernalia which had the effect of a light house on his person, Jack made his escape, blinding everyone in his path with his incredible pimp-ness. After stopping for a full body treatment at a nearby day spa, he decided to strut off to the merchant's corner for some sort of blacksmith.

Jack simply had to get rid of the highly unfashionable shackles on his arms. Stunned at his own thoughts, Jack looked down at his arms, which were indeed shackled. When did they get there? Shrugging off the puzzle, Jack began to run wildly in circles, eventually tripping over a conveniently placed corpse and landed head first into a blacksmith.

Jack was startled by the bray of a donkey and quickly slid into his 'scary' pose. Locating the noise-- which was funnily enough a donkey, Jack stared at the beast craftily. The donkey stared back with the same sly look on its elongated features. The both smiled the same toothy grin in unison. They had an idea!  
Ten seconds later, Jack was satisfied and the donkey was a sore ass (HAHA get it? Sore ass?) Now he focused on the problem of his shackles. He quickly pulled the loosely placed inconvenience of off his wrists.

Meanwhile...

A rather pissed off Commodore Norrington was yelling at a rather wet Shelby and an extremely gleeful Grace.

"You!" The Commodore shouted, pointing at Grace.

"You are hereby arrested for pushing someone into the water unprovoked!" Turning on Shelby, he then continued to rant.

"You are arrested for molesting royal water! Gillette, clap them in irons and take them to the gallows." Shelby and Grace tried to escape using their, 'feminine wiles', or lack thereof. However they failed miserabl,y for you see, Norrington and Gillette had a rather unfortunate accident together when they were but lads. One day, when they were playing together in a merchant's yard, one thousand tonnes of rotten bananas fell onto their rather exposed privy parts squashing them and rendering them incapable of use. So rather then invoking a reaction as planned, Grace and Shelby were carted unceremoniously away.

...

**A/N: What do you mean, no virgins?**

**o.O**

**TAKE SHELBY!! /pushes Shelby into crowd and runs**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Disclaimer: _**We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean.

Please reviiiiieeeeww... BAH AT YOU. OM NOM NOM, NOM NOM PICKLE SHIT NUT TITTY BITCH

**CLOWNS ****WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP**

...

_Later that day..._

Will the smith entered the smithy, only to notice that the donkey was jittering around sluttily. Out of nowhere a golden topped pimp cane fell dangerously from the roof, which would have impaled Will's head had he not been so dim-witted and thick-headed.

''Not where I left you-'' he began to say slowly, until BAYUM! Jack Sparrow jumped him and humped his leg for a good 10 minutes, until Will kicked him off, squealing and the two started having a most dramatic fight.

_Meanwhile…_

Grace and Shelby were in the gallows, wallowing in pig filth and the blood of 1000 virgins. Shelby, being an attention whore, was wailing mournfully about rat shit getting in her eyes, whilst Grace searched about for a chance of escape. It took the unlikely pair five hours to realise that they were, in fact, out in the open and had mistaken the local pig sty for a prison. They had been aimlessly rolling about in the muck and blood until a scared yet angered villager told them to 'get the hell off of his property'.

The two of them looked ashamed and embarrassed and scuttled away with their tails between their legs.

_Meanwhile...Again..._

Will was about to meet his fate, as the Pimp Master had his golden and 'Jem' (like the actual kid out of 'To Kill a Mocking Bird') encrusted sword held high over his head, awaiting the que for him to put the blade straight through William's skull, until Jack realised that there was a child embedded in his sword and the movie had to stop temporarily to remove the now traumatised child.

Picking up from where they left off, Jack once again raised his sword dramatically, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, Will's drunken father (who had been ignored until this very moment) bashed a glass bottle over Jacks head, rendering the Pimp Master unfashionably unconscious. At this moment, the soldiers turned up (always of course after the dirty work) and then rewarded Will's father graciously with thousand's of bazillions of dollarz because of course, the old prick had taken all of Will's credit.

_Later that night... _

Jack Sparrow was sitting moodily (how hawt) on the dirty floor of a gaol cell. He had his rather gaudy pimp hat lowered over his eyes and his purple pimp cape wrapped around him like a blankey. He sure did love his creature comforts! In a primarily brown, red and grey toned scene Jack stood out like a pair of boobs in a church.

Later on a rather disgruntled Shelby and Grace were thrown unceremoniously into the gaol cell. After recovering from their previous shame, Shelby had tried to drown Grace in a kiddie's pool. Unfortunately, Shelby had failed because she can't swim. Luckily for her she already had two over developed flotation devices handy on her chest. Shelby was then arrested for attempted murder and taken to the same cell that Jack was locked in. Convenience at its best! Grace followed and fortunately for Shelby, Grace was punted severely into the wall and was knocked out.

Shelby's boobs tingled- her 8th sense was telling her that Jack was very near!

… She walked backwards two steps, tripping over him.

Jack immediately pimp-slapped Shelby and then some hay materialised in the cell, so they commenced stabbing at each others eyes with it. Grace however, had just woken up and was having a serious conversation with a grimy man in the cell next door.

All of these activities were rather rudely disturbed by cannon fire. The Black Spankin' Pearl, Master floating brothel, renowned all over the seven seas, was attacking Port Royal. Everybody was confused as to why this was happening. As if answering their silent questions, Elizabeth pulled her collar nervously and hid in her bedroom.

At this moment, a cannonball decided to destroy one of the cells and all the prisoners inside escaped. Grace's new friend declared, 'Alas! My love I cannot leave you!'

And because of his pigheadedness, the cannonball retraced its flight path and ran into him. Grace wailed demonically.

...

The town was in chaos. Pimp Masters were mercilessly whipping people and animals, punting children comically into walls, spraying Mortein Insect Spray into the eyes of soldiers and smoking so much grass that the whole town got high. One might have said it was an absolute disaster, until the townsfolk realised that the Pimp Masters of the Black Spankin' Pearl had actually come to kidnap Elizabeth. Rather then prevent the Pimp Masters from taking her, they willingly picked Elizabeth up and threw her into the mosh pit of Pimp Masters, all the while cackling in delight. When the whiny whore was gone, there was a huge uproar of rejoicing and a massive party took place in the butchery.

Fortunately for Elizabeth, William Turner was not so eager to lose sight of her fantastic chest and ran after her, screaming, "BOOBS!"

Unfortunately for Will, Grace and Shelby were coming his way at the time and Grace, still traumatised at losing the love of her life, had turned into a complete and utter psychopath.

Upon seeing Will running around like a turkey with its own head stuck up its arse, Grace flew into a fit of rage and sunk her teeth into his arm.

If one had been there, the scene would have looked rather comical- Will flailing around, squealing like a girl, as Grace was flung around after him, growling like a rabid bear.

Eventually, Will passed out from shock and the two girls moved away holding their noses, as diarrhoea began dripping down his leg rather unfashionably.

The girls stopped outside the Butchery and saw the massive party which had turned into some kind of orgy and were intrigued to see Commodore Norrington had gotten completely maggot ( incredibly drunk, rooted, smashed) and had now began running around with underwear on his head, making bird-like noises.

An old Chinese guy stopped next to the girls and gave them advice they would remember for the rest of their lives:

"You are the Kangaroo that boxes the King's genitals."

Grace passed out due to so much wisdom being in her head at the one time, giving Shelby the opportunity to play "Try to Kill Grace".

Shelby grabbed a bucket and flung it at Grace's head, but it missed and hit Will's head, who had recovered from his shock and was about to go save Elizabeth again until he was rendered unconscious.

...

**A/N: Because Shelby fails to be online when I post these, I never really get to type up what she thinks in the Author's Note.**

**So let us improvise.**

**Shelby- Wow guys, I'm gay!**

**o.O**

**SHE WOULD SAY IT, DAMNIT!! Shakes fist**

**Real Shelby: You shall die a painful death for that –glare-**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Disclaimer: _**We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but we do own the camera watching you.

**SHELBY ****WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP**

...

Disappointed that she had once again been foiled in her attempt to kill Grace, Shelby kicked her in the head angrily. Being used to such behaviour from the personality challenged young woman, Grace groaned and got up to stand by Shelby. The before mentioned woman, slightly discouraged that she hadn't caused a brain damage, loped away to a nearby psychic expo. Meanwhile, the otherwise omniscient writer was still wondering how Grace and Shelby escaped from prison.  
The next day...  
A groggy Mr. Turner awoke to find himself covered in human excrement. Highly embarrassed he skulked away and jumped down a well. He had only intended to get himself clean, but sadly killed himself. Nyaaaaw.  
Will Turner II strode out of the blacksmith with a purpose in his eyes. He simply had to save poor Elizabeth from the atrocities that she was surely being exposed to! Thinking that the crazy Commodore would share his plight William set out to look for him. After eighteen seconds of looking, Will found him, surrounded by a bunch of sorry looking soldiers. They obviously had drunk too much the night previously and when he realised this, Will snickered at there predicament. Sadly, he snotted all over himself and said snot blocked up his mouth and nose, so that he slowly began to suffocate. Using the last of his oxygen, Will ran towards the Commodore.  
"They...took...boobs!" He gasped, finally using up his meagre oxygen supply. Damn it, when that person offered to tear him a third hole, he should have accepted! After he had said this, Will collapsed, driving an axe that he had pilfered from a dead cat into the Commodore's hand. Norrington looked at his severed fingers in horror and then proceeded to run in circles, splashing blood over his comrades.  
When Will awoke, he noticed that a note was written in blood beside him. It read:  
_Dear Mr Turner,  
Don't be rash... I would have told you this face to face  
but you passed out. Also it is of no use to go to the  
pimp in the gaol, for it seems he is no friend to the  
pimps as they left him in his cell. Epic lolz.  
Sincerely,  
Commodore Norrington_  
_P.S you chopped off my fingers, you bastard. Revenge shall be mine._  
After reading this, Will ran off intending, rashly, to seek Jack, just to spite his nemesis.

...

In the gaol cell...

Jack had formulated a most evil and diabolical plan. You see, there was this dog, and the dog had the cell door keys, so if Jack could get the dog to bring him the keys...

It was foolproof!

Or fail-prone, as Jack was soon to find out.

The dog had seen this attempted many, many times before, so instead of giving Jack the keys, it lunged out, roaring, and bit his shoulder.

Jack shrieked, and began frothing at the mouth, having contracted rabies from the dog.

He then pimp slapped the dog so hard that it flew into a wall and exploded, revealing William Turner. He was standing with his hands in a very suspicious place, armed with a Playboy magazine, and an expression that just screamed 'omfg caught' plastered across his face.

"Oh! Um, well, ahhh... How do you d-"

Will was cut off by tripping over a chair, falling sixty stories downwards and being squashed by a comically oversized shoe.

Jack snickered at this amusing display, until he re-read the script and realised that Will was his only hope of escaping the prison, so with that he begged forgiveness of the Authors for being such a whore, and after a two sentence lecture, the Authors granted Will new life, and the movie continued rolling as it was.

"Oh! Um, well, ahhh... How do you d-"

"There's a chair there, followed by a sixty story plummet and a comically oversized shoe that will own you." Said a voice mysteriously.

Will squeaked, and tripped over the chair, fell down a sixty story plummet and was owned by a comically oversized shoe.

The Author, Grace, scratched her head and sighed angstily.

"You know what? I'm just going to skip to the part where he gets Jack out already!" She grumbled.

WEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"Well, you poncy Pimp Master, I'll let you out of this cell if you can take me to The Black Spankin' Pearl!" Will said haughtily.

"The Black Spankin' Pearl, ay?" Jack's eyes lighted up with greed, huge dollar signs forming in the air around his head.

"Yes, they have my boobs." replied Will.

Jack stared at him with a queer look. After a moment of consideration, he said,

"Alrighty! You get me out of here, and we'll go to that boat to get your, um, boobs back! Then I can take the ship for meself! And have lots of money and girls!! Muahaha!!"

Will, unfazed by this outburst of manic laughter, walked over to the cell door and opened it.

"You realise it wasn't locked, yes?"

The Pimp Master had a crestfallen look on his face, the same look he had that fateful day he was told that Santa Claus didn't exist.

After standing around awkwardly for ten minutes, Jack glanced at his hand and found his next line written there. Thoroughly relieved, he struggled to read the smeared ink.  
"Warts yu, nam... kelp?" He tried, staring quizzically at his hand. Will shook his head and came over to help him.  
"It says what's your name, whelp?" Will said helpfully. Jack, enraged at his failure, roundhouse kicked Will in the head. Like many times before, Will fainted. When he awoke, the last ten minutes of his life had been erased so Jack, somehow knowing this took full advantage of the fact.  
"What's your name, whelp?" He asked smugly, smiling toothily at the disoriented young man. Will, confused about what was happening answered automatically.  
When Jack heard the name, a curious chain of events occurred.

First Jack's eye started twitching uncontrollably. Then his lips started twitching. Finally his whole body was shaking with silent paroxysms and he burst out with laughter.

"I knew your father, son!"

More laughter.

"He was the most hopeless pimp on all of the seven seas!" Jack could barely contain the laughter. So finding it easier to just give in, he began to howl with mirth, barely managing to mumble out the words.

"They called him Whiplash Bill for he was a master of the riding crop." Suddenly he sobered and said, "Good man old Bill, good man." After this, Will, red as a lobster was in tears. He father wasn't a noble prude but a pimp. He promptly exploded, killing several nuns.

...

For any confusion to whether the Evil Captain of the First Movie (as we refer to him, fucked if we know his real name! haha! Shelby probably does), here is a conversation that will make you more understanding of our lack of knowledge;

Shelbs says:

**Hmmm... I just realised... did we replace Captain Barbosa with Wills father?**

GRACKUS!! says:

we replaced who?

Shelbs says:

**You know, the Evil captain in the first one?**

GRACKUS!! says:

but isnt the evil captain wills father?

Shelbs says:

**...nope**

GRACKUS!! says:

huh? but he said he was, didnt he?

Shelbs says:

**no...?**

GRACKUS!! says:

really? what the hell have i been watching o.O

Shelbs says:

**fuck it! he is his father now! Muahahaa!!1one!**

...

**A/N: Hello readers, tis Shelby here. I am slowly going blind from writing this story, and my over developed chest is shrinking due to lack of reviews.**

**NOOOOOO**


	5. Chapter 5

**_Disclaimer: _**We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but we do know where your underwear drawer resides.

Unless it's in the fridge.

Then we didn't expect that.

**PICKLE CONDENSATION ****WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP**

...

Conveniently for Will and Jack, there were no soldiers around but there was a creepy old man in the corner who had 'wares' to sell.

Frightened and disturbed, Will ran away squealing but Jack came up to the old beggar and pimp slapped him across the face.

Jack immediately contracted crabs and herpes, and the old man cackled evilly before imploding, covering Jack in orange juice.

Soon, the two heroines were entangled in a bush, discussing their next phase of action.

After wiping the residual orange juice from his person and detaching a suckling Will, Jack declared that they needed a ship- badly. Nodding stupidly, Will loped after Jack.

They scuttled stealthily along a beach, hidden by a twig with a few green leaves still intact and easily fooled the soldiers on duty with their disguise.

And then Jack and Will saw it.

The Commodore's prize ship.

'The Abstinence'

It was floating majestically in the water, fluttering its sails erotically at the two men.

Will and Jack decided that they would take this particular ship, just to spite the Commodore Norrington.

Jack spied some wooden boats onshore, and whispered for a few moments in Will's ear, and they both nodded.

10 minutes later, the two of them emerged from the bushes, hollering a war cry and armed with wooden shields and swords. The soldiers who came across their path either died from a heart attack, or were impaled by Jack Sparrow's huge erection.

Will and Jack reached the water, and started ice skating to the ship. Because this defied logic, the remainder of the soldiers got massively mind fucked and their heads exploded.

They reached the boat, and began scuttling up the side of 'The Abstinence', all the while humping it.

The soldiers already on board the ship moved to attack the fugitives, and all hope seemed lost, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, Jack whisked off his purple pimp hat, and swept his luscious dreadlocks up into his hands, and winked suggestively at the soldiers.

The soldiers all died from 'over exposure to sexy pimpness' as the doctor declared, before he too, died, from a shattered pelvis.

Will and Jack, now comfortably aboard, set sail for the seven seas… Not really, just a very dirty brothel that Jack knew of.

Meanwhile, on shore...

"Commodore? Commodore Norrington? Are you alright, sir?"

The Commodore's eye twitched and several veins in his head were bulging out.

He looked at the soldier, who then took a few steps back and stopped breathing, and exploded.

Commodore Norrington looked back out to sea, and a blood vessel in his eye ruptured.

Then Gibbs approached and looked at the ship which was now sailing away. Just to piss the Commodore off further, he said,

"Well, that there, sir, is the best pimp master I have ever seen, if I do say so myself."

The Commodore's head snapped quickly in his direction, and he proceeded to slap Gibbs very girlishly across the face with one gloved hand.

The crowd then wondered silently how Gibbs came upon Port Royal.

**Back on board the 'Abstinence'...**

Jack and Will were having a pimp slap fight to the death over Will's parentage. At the moment, Jack had Will's head down the privy, causing him to literally 'eat shit'. Jack had had the upper hand for the whole fight, for Will had never been much of a fighter and preferred to intimidate his foes with his arsenal of 'Star Wars' figurines. Sadly, he had left them back at home, so he had no chance of scaring Jack into an apology. Little did he know, the old drunkard who had so successfully taken all the credit for his attack upon the pimp master, had shoved them up a dolphins rectum. Said dolphin was currently frolicking gaily in the water below.

Soon, Will had consumed all of the excrement, used condoms and bloodied tampons, and had very unfashionably gained twenty eight point five kilos. When Jack let him go, he sniffed up the tampon that was hanging out of his nose and burst into tears. His whole face was red with shame, but luckily, the shit mask created a poker face so complete that even Chuck Norris would have inclined his head. Upon seeing that Will was in inconsolable tears, Jack ponced up to him and kicked him right in the ovaries with his high-heeled diamond studded shoe.

Wiping away the gore from his shoe with a delicate, silk hanky, Jack declared, "Listen mate, I cant sail to the broth... err, Tortuga all by me onesies!" Jack glared at Will for a long moment before imparting a final word of advice,

"So grow some balls you pussy!"

With a huff, Jack strolled off and left Will to his own devices. Taking this statement literally, Will sulked away to ponder how Jack had known that he had a pussy. That was until Jack threw a can of RedBull at him and Will grew wings and flew away. Sadly, his wings burned off in the sun and he landed in a sorry heap back onboard 'The Abstinence'. Utterly defeated, Will skulked over to the mast and began to do all the hard work while Jack reclined on a pimp chair, drinking martinis, smoking a cigar and occasionally moving the wheel with his glittering shoes.

**Far away, on the Black Spankin' Pearl...**

Elizabeth was sulking. Not only had Will not come to save her, but the whole town had willingly given her up to the whorish pimps. Now why would they do that...?

She pondered over this, as Authors Grace and Shelby scratched the backs of their necks, and shiftily glanced from side to side.

Fed up with thinking because it hurt her delicate and few brain cells, Elizabeth walked up to a huddle of Pimps, shadowing her eyes as the brightness of their bling burnt out her retinas.

Drawing herself up and pushing her boobs out, she spoke loudly and clearly, and stated,

"I have a vagina."

Taken aback from this sudden and random statement, the Pimps squinted through their man whore sunnies, and looked curiously at her.

Surely enough, there was a vagina on Elizabeth's chin, which then squealed and quickly disappeared, highly embarrassed.

The Pimps looked at one another, and others who had been elsewhere on the boat came to view this new spectacle.

"What... what was that?" said one particularly shocked Pimp, a dildo hanging from his ear.

"I told you. It's a vagina. It goes 'CUCKAW!! CUCKAAAAAWWW!!' Well, at least mine does." Said the whiny whore.

The Pimp, not quite knowing what to say, promptly exploded, and was never seen again. After a sudden awkward silence, an enraged pimp exclaimed,

"Now look here, you can't just go around making people pop a-cannon and explode, hoe! I oughta pimp smack yo ass, bitchnipple!"

"Well I don't care, because MY daddy has a tractor!! Does yours? Hmm??" retorted Elizabeth.

The Pimp, named Bortoranamaghatrisdical, was so furious with this witty comeback that his anus grew to the size of a large high school, and exploded, covering the crew in arse crust.

Bortoranamaghatrisdical's fellow pimps advanced angrily on Elizabeth, but before they could cut off her dick, she announced,

"I want to speak to your Captain. Hmph."

The Pimps scratched their heads, confused.

"Captain Hmph?"

"But he died 10 years ago!"

"I distinctly heard that she wanted to speak to Captain Hmph!"

"Does that mean he's still alive??"

"What if it's all a sham?!"

"What's a sham?"

"Like a conspiracy or something."

"What's a conspiracy?!"

"A plot!"

"Maybe Captain Hmph is dead because of a plot!"

"But she just said he was alive!"

"She didn't actually SAY that!"

"Yeah, she just said she wanted to SPEAK with Captain Hmph!"

"Not 'Captain Hmph is alive'!"

"But he IS alive!"

"No, Captain Hmph is DEAD!"

"No! He's alive!"

"Then where is he?!"

"I have AIDS!!"

Awkward silence.

"FELLOW PIMPS," boomed a voice from the back.

The gibbering halted, and everybody turned around.

There, Elizabeth saw the worst dressed pimp that she had ever seen.

Whiplash Bill stood in a spotlight, in all his distasteful fashion glory.

He was wearing a set of purple robes, trimmed with golden fluff, a set of white gloves with ruby studs set in them, a pimp purple hat and a bright, pink, fluffy feather that boasted pimpness. He also wore a silver chain and a big bit o' bling that read PIMP4EVA on it, and matching dollar sign glasses.

Then our heroine said something that everybody could agree with then and there,

''What poor animal had to die to make you look this bad?''

Whiplash Bill, a proud yet sensitive pimp, ran crying inconsolably back into his cabin, upon which all the 'splendour' of his pimpness had now been ruined.

...

**A/N: Awesome! Now all we need are reviews!**

**:P**

**mmnuts and teddyfuck**


	6. Chapter 6

YOUR A FUCKING HOMO.

This is how Pirates of the Carribbean ends now.

Due to lack of interest and love, Shelby and myself have decided to terminate this story here until we get enthusiastic enough to continue on with the bitchy whinings.

Until then, the story shall end like this.

Elizebeth Swan married a cave turtle at the age of 60, whereupon Jack and Shelby ran away to elope, only to find themselves BOTH pregnant, and the relationship ended.

Grace turned into a psychopathic stalker and killed William Turner, who had another bitchfit about dying and what not.

The world became overrun with dolphins, who sang "so long motherfuckers and thanks for all the motherfucking fish", and people were unhappy because buttsex was no longer conventional.

THE END!!


End file.
